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He likes to tell me how stars work.
He explains that Hydrogen ignites, collides, infuses -
and while he’s talking I am trying
to stifle the reverb in my heartbeat.
I try and stop my heart going supernova.

He tells me that the Hydrogen fuses into Helium
and eventually the star runs out of each -
I try not to be forcibly reminded
of every time I run out of Oxygen when he smiles at me -
I’m trying to listen.

He details how the stars elements burn out
one by one
creating heavier elements that burn less brightly.
I’m comparing stars to love
and smiling
because to me, Hydrogen, Nitrogen or Iron -
a star’s still a star at all its stages
and I love the stars.

He whispers to me
about how these elements disperse
how they reform and relapse
and I recall how stars become everything
He’s got his hands in my hair and his grip round my heart
so when the silence falls I can’t help but rush;
‘There’s static energy in my fingertips when you kiss me - I’m getting lost in you and you make me feel like I have stars in my cells ---'
and he smiles at me like I do.

‘This is madness’ - I sigh.

‘This is physics’.
Copyright by MisDmeanor
Copyright © 2015. Kathryn O’Driscoll. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. All the materials contained in my deviantART gallery may NOT be used, reproduced, copied, edited, published, transmitted, borrowed, duplicated, printed, downloaded, or uploaded in any way without my express written permission, however feel free to contact me should you desire to use my work - as I love to share.


Bloody chives.

NOTE: My poor understanding of how stars work does not reflect what he told me. If there are facts wrong, thats my own failing :giggle:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmoofinkitty:
I enjoyed your poem, I thought it was great. (Also, this is my first critique. So, I'll try my best)


Vision: It's easy to tell what you were envisioning while writing this, and it does excellent with the whole "Show don't tell" aspect of writing. I was easily able to follow along with intricate images of stars dancing with each other, and can tell exactly what she thinks.

Originality: However, love compared to stars is not a new concept, it's a metaphor Iv'e seen many times before, and it's a bit cliche. However, Cliche does not necessarily mean bad.

Technique: Your technique is excellent, I can feel the awe and emotions they have for him, And can as well feel my throat get caught when she's thinking and listening to him. There is a rushed feeling her, and it very well works all things considered.

Impact: The impact is good, it gives me an idea of what love is and even how it might feel like, I also laughed at the end when he said it was physics.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2015   Writer
:love: aww lovely!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015
:D Yay
Reply
:iconicyskittles:
IcySkittles Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015
I :heart: how you've intertwined the studies of stars with romance!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
:)) thanks! I love stars :love: they have a big sentimental meaning in my life so
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:love:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2015
:giggle: 
Reply
:iconunfaithfulstars:
unfaithfulstars Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2015  Student General Artist
Frick. Gorgeous!! :love:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2015
:blush: Thank youuu
Reply
:iconunfaithfulstars:
unfaithfulstars Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2015  Student General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
Beautiful work! I absolutely love the rhythm and the imagery.
Great work! :love:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015
:tighthug: Thank you sweetheart!! <3333
Reply
:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
:glomp:
Reply
:iconcerealnovels:
cerealnovels Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015
I love the stars... This is magic! Love it!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015
yay, thank you! I'm so glad you like it. I like it too :giggle: :D
Reply
:iconreedymanedkelpie:
reedymanedkelpie Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2015  Professional General Artist
This is a really beautiful description of how attraction can feel :star:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2015
:love: Thank you sweetheart
Reply
:iconfenestrelle:
Fenestrelle Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
Haha, I won't give a critique, just a simple comment: the poem is funny and men are wired this way. All of them; no exception... ;-)
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Professional Writer
I thought this poem to be very enjoyable... :heart:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
:love: Yay :D Thanks
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2015  Professional Writer
Truly a pleasure... :aww:
Reply
:iconnoitalapsi:
Noitalapsi Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
There was something I was going to say about this, but then, this just left me speechless so - yeah, really nice! :)
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
:blush: Aw, thank you sweetie!
Reply
:iconnoitalapsi:
Noitalapsi Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconmiamaid444:
MiaMaid444 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
AHHHHH this is so sweet!!!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
:eager: Thanks :D :D
Reply
:iconmiamaid444:
MiaMaid444 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
it's so true!!!
Reply
:iconentraya:
Entraya Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
cosmology is the best poetry reference subject. i couldnt help but toy with those themes myself, though unfortunately im not quite as good at it. i guess its just a matter of practice, and getting an intuitive sense for word-aesthetics

the physics seems alright to me, too. at least thats something i can somewhat get right
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
I agree, *sighs* I love the stars so much :] 

:tighthug:! and yes, practice is all we can do to refine our techniques :D
Reply
:iconentraya:
Entraya Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Mhm, from just pure looks to the physics, they're among the most dynamic things you could possibly choose

Eh, i hate to be that person, but if you're the person who has plenty of time and a keen critical eye, then i'd love for someone to point out exactly what is clunky about my attempts at something that might be called poetry
just in case, y'know, i guess proper feedback might also help
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2015
I'm busy at the moment (I have my final deadlines in 10 days for this year in my degree - sob!) but I recommend you try TheWritePlace 's 'seeking critiques' folder. <3

If that doesnt work for you, hit me up in 11 days :giggle:!
Reply
:iconentraya:
Entraya Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oooh, there are actual places for this. I was wondering where one might seek critiques. Thank you ^_^

You better do good for whatever degree you're on. I will browse your folders out of boredom while waiting for school to start. 
Reply
:iconhugqueen:
HugQueen Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2015   Writer
If you're looking for critique theWrittenRevolution has an amazing critique system, it's a give and get, but it works very well. :) Prose-N-Cons, GrammarNaziCritiques, and Beta-Readers are good groups to check out as well.
Reply
:iconentraya:
Entraya Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i just started school, so it may take a while before i can properly participate in the give and get, but i shall definitely keep it in mind. i wouldnt want to half-arse a critique just for the sake of it
Ya'll folks are so helpful~ Im hoping that i can gain some skill in the art of deliberately placing words, rather than occasionally spewing out words at the call of whimsy. It is simply much too quaint
Reply
:iconhugqueen:
HugQueen Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015   Writer
That's okay! The group has been around for years, it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. :) I understand, I feel the same way. If I give a critique it's going to be thought-out and such. With practice and help, you'll get better. ♥
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015
There are lots of amazing groups for critiques, ours is super new, but let me tag some more knowledgable friends and see if any of them can point you towards good groups to get critiques from BeccaJS  IrrevocableFate  chromeantennae  LadyLincoln  
Reply
:iconthesecretemochick:
TheSecretemoChick Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
:love: Thank you
Reply
:iconalightrae:
aLightRae Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Professional General Artist
wow. took my breath away, literally. 
that was beautiful. <3 
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
:blush: Oh thank you so much!! :love:
Reply
:iconstargirl2791:
stargirl2791 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
-SCREECHING AT THE ASTRONOMY REFERENCES-
-REPEATEDLY SMACKS THE NEAREST THING TO ME- YES YES YES THIS IS GOOD KEEP DOING THIS YAY SCIENCE LOVE POETRY :giggle:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
Giggles yay!!
Reply
:icongennigenevieve:
GenniGenevieve Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
These words are magical. Clefairy :la: 
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
Thank you sweetheart
Reply
:iconerikthewild:
ErikTheWild Featured By Owner Edited Aug 1, 2015
UglySavag said:

It's a shame for deviantart and as far as I can tell, it's not the first time that this is happening!!!
This should be on the front page

Follow The Sun

and then you blocked him and marked the comment as spam:
It's only the truth!!!! Why you can't stand it???
The time he wrote it you only had 30 favs AGAINST 50 and you were first!
After 7 hours numbers are near, only because of the exposion on the front!
Congratullations!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconamazingirl360:
Amazingirl360 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Dude. Do you honestly have a purpose? It's just poetry. Calm down.
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
I didn't hide it I reported it as spam which automatically hides it and I did so because they posted an identical comment on another poem at the same time. Which is spam. 

You guys don't need to come at me. I don't make the front page algorithms. The new ones have made it harder for me to get into the front page too I am just lucky enough to have a group of watchers already. I haven't done anything to your friend or to their deviations. I'm just another artist like them. 

If any of you had thought to ask me what I thought about he situation id have said i find it disgusting (being that I've spent the past 7 years on da championing new writers getting exposure by running competitions groups and regular features) and I would have offered to talk about my disgust publicly and ask to join forces in getting our voices heard. But instead your friend attacked me AND at least one other writer who happens to be my friend who has also done nothing to deserve it. 

If you want to be mad at me for something nothing to do with me that's fine. That's your choice. But I'm an adult and don't need to participate in other people's anger when it's fuck all to do with me. 

And for the record, I would support your friends deviation appearing above mine as it had more deviations - I think that's totally fair - so this comment is unrelated to that argument. 

You're wrong. I'm not a failure. I'm an exceptional writer and artist who worked my ass off for the literature community and no matter what you say or think that will always be true. 

I hope your friend finds a way to resolve their issues with the new algorithms I really do. In the meantime please keep me out of it as it's NOT MY BLOODY FAULT. 

kthx.
Reply
:iconerikthewild:
ErikTheWild Featured By Owner Edited Aug 3, 2015
I didn't say you hide it, I said you blocked him and marked as spam.
Combined with the fact that you are a senior member this makes you look really suspicious, if not guilty. You should have done from the beginning what you did now. Answer to him.
As you said yourself what happened it's not fair and as you are a senior member even though it looked as a spam he was right and as a senior member I repeat you should answer and act. But now blocked him and marked as spam. To such a reaction you get...such a reaction. So simple!

After this at least stop giving hugs as a respond to the ones calling me an asshole, Mr Senior!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Edited Aug 3, 2015
It *was* spam. It was an identical message on more than one page.

You are welcome to behave however you want. I have nothing to hide and so your disproportionate negativity towards me, about something nothing to do with me, has no effect on me.

and FYI senior members have NO extra powers or responsibilities. We are regular members that DA has given a title to in recognition of something (they dont even tell us why we get given it). I have nothing to do with running DA, and nothing to do with your issues.

Simple!
Reply
:iconerikthewild:
ErikTheWild Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2015
After what you did words are not enough, You must act too. In what way I don't know, you must find one.
Reply
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