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I told you I had wildflowers growing in my veins
and you thought it was quaint,
so when I took shears to my jugular -
you wouldn’t help me cut them out.
You thought I’d be opheliac
if they bloomed, splashing white
into my already paling wrists.
Maybe you thought the perfume would purify me
and being a tragic heroine
would be better than just being tragic.

Their roots choked out my heart and
       the landslides
    slipped
           soil in
                 to my blood
  stream so
as I died,
drowning in the after-effects of Pretty,
all I could hear
was you telling me that you loved
that I had Gardenias in my eyes.
Copyright by MisDmeanor
Copyright © 2015. Kathryn O’Driscoll. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. All the materials contained in my deviantART gallery may NOT be used, reproduced, copied, edited, published, transmitted, borrowed, duplicated, printed, downloaded, or uploaded in any way without my express written permission, however feel free to contact me should you desire to use my work - as I love to share.


My personality disorder makes me who I am and unfortunately a lot of the things about me that stem from my personality disorder people like.

I have no upper boundaries on what I'll do for a friend for example, which sounds great but can often leave me pushing myself til I completely snap because I'm trying to help too many people at once. In fact that's what caused my breakdown this year.

I'll often go to bed then get a text from a friend who is having a bad night and then I'll stay awake another couple of hours... I have even stopped in the middle of suicide attempts to go convince someone else not to commit suicide, more than once.

and I love being that person for my friends and the people I care about. Knowing that its unhealthy for me doesn't seem important when I know they need me. So it's really hard trying to change and find a new balance. In the past year or so whilst I've been getting better at trying to find space in my life for my own needs I have lost friends because they said I'd changed how I was treating them and they didn't like it. They took it that our friendship was falling apart because I wasn't at their beck and call anymore... but to me thats not what a friendship should be like. I shouldn't have to be there 24 hours a day 7 days a week, making no demands of you and waiting to be useful to you, to be worthy of your friendship.

So I had to let those people go. When they left I chose not to chase them because I need to change, the doctors say if I don't stop what I'm doing it will kill me and having attempted suicide just under 50 times in the past 11 years, I believe them...

but its really hard to make changes for the better, when it means giving up things about yourself people like. Especially when you don't like yourself at all.


So I thought I'd just share those feelings with you guys and be a bit more open about my personality disorder and my recovery from that aspect of my mental health (I have about 5 different 'strands' of my mental health I think and this is just one aspect).

:peace:

EDIT: Please note that Mixed Personality Disorder is NOT the same as Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder. They are not even similar. Thanks <3
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshining-scribe:
Critique by Shining-Scribe Shining-Scribe/critique/1285913477">Aug 28, 2015, 12:10:43 PM
Your art style is among the most unique I've seen. As I've already said, your strongest point is how you paint scenes and images. I could actually see a heart being choked by roots, shears going to the jugular, and wildflowers in the veins.

I especially like the use of the words "quaint" (attractively unusual or old-fashioned) and "opheliac" (one who has descended into madness). Your choice of words adds a little spice to the poem, and adds to the concept behind having multiple personalities. Despite drowning in the various personalities you have, the person with you can only say that they love one of your personalities. The entire poem goes well with the word opheliac; it's your descent into madness, and the bystander is making no effort to help you. In their eyes, if you're going to endure tragedy, you might as well make the most of it. That mere thought is choking you like the roots in your heart, the roots that I believe represent your various personalities.

You painted your struggles perfectly. You've made big steps by leaving behind the people who don't like who you are as a whole. When you're struggling with your various personalities, you don't need more roots choking at your insides. You have to cut the roots to keep your heart beating.

The only nitpick I can find is "the landslides slipped soil in to my blood" part. At first, I like how the words are split apart from each other, adding a brief pause to better picture what is happening. But "stream so" seems a bit too far apart from "to my blood", and the word structure there just felt a bit jarring. I believe "to my blood stream, so as I died" might be another way to word it, but it's entirely your choice. Everything else was wonderful, another marvelous piece of writing. I wish you the best in life.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 12 deviants thought this was fair.
Shining-Scribe/critique/1285913477#comments">4 Replies

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:iconjayarrh:
jayarrh Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hate when people romanticize mental illness. This poem is so on point, thank you for sharing it!
Reply
:iconsnowstormninja24:
SnowStormNinja24 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2015  Student Writer
I don't think I can find the right words for this, but this piece and the description that goes with it are beautiful. Touching. Gorgeous. Non of those words are quite right to describe the warm feeling I got in my belly when I read this, but I don't know if the perfect words even exist. The point, though, is that this made me feel something. And that is a very good thing. :huggle: :heart:
Please keep hanging in there. I may not know you, but I am here for you. :)
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2016
:tighthug: Thank you so so much. You're so sweet
Reply
:iconretrubutionist777:
Retrubutionist777 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
This is so beautiful. And the description hits home, because I am very very similar. I'm trying to change, but in the past I pushed myself deeper into depression from trying to care for everyone except myself. I'm sorry some of your friends didn't show you the loyalty you'd given them and left. But its wonderful you're doing your best to put you first. *gives you a huge hug*
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015
:tighthug: Keep on swimming hon
Reply
:iconretrubutionist777:
Retrubutionist777 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: I promise I will! Just like Dory says, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" 
Reply
:iconsutathewolf:
Sutathewolf Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Student General Artist
Absolutely beautiful, captivating words once again.
Stay strong. <3
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
:love: Thank you hon
Reply
:iconginangkelley:
ginangkelley Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
The feels, tho...bravo!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
:D thank you!!
Reply
:iconcopper9lives:
copper9lives Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Professional General Artist
Sigh. I understand. And am sad that I do. And am sad that you know what it is like.

I send you ALL the loves. :heart: (For free. No strings attached.)
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2015
:tighthug: Thank you so much :heart: I'm sorry you understand
Reply
:iconcopper9lives:
copper9lives Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2015  Professional General Artist
Misery loves company...but so do those of us working our way out of its reach. :hug:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
One day at a time, just keep ticking <3
Reply
:iconcopper9lives:
copper9lives Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2015  Professional General Artist
Yep. That's the ticket! :hug:
Reply
:iconannabethlovegd:
AnnabethLovegd Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh golly this is the most beautiful thing I've read in a long long time. Thank you so much for opening up and trusting us with this! The images of flowers and just everything makes my heart feel what's happening. Gosh I'm out of words this is just incredible. Thank you.
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2015
:blush: Oh thank you, :excited: That means so much to me
Reply
:iconannabethlovegd:
AnnabethLovegd Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:D :D :D
Reply
:iconmrs-freestar-bul:
Mrs-Freestar-Bul Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
It's absolutely genius the way you put these feelings into such beautiful image. I love it :)
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
:blush: thank you! eee!
Reply
:iconshedares:
SheDares Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2015  Professional General Artist
I lost a lot of friends (and had some turn downright hostile) when I finally started putting my physical and mental health before their reliance of me. I really struggle to say no, so my (unhealthy) way of working around it has been to completely isolate myself from people. I had to quit all my volunteering a few years ago, which broke my heart because it was my life, because I simply could not keep being everyone's go-to for help. It was killing me, and a fair few of my suicide attempts have been due to me pushing myself beyond my limits for the sake of other people. I still don't think I would be able to say no now if I allowed myself to be around people again.

On another note:Beautifully written piece :heart:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
It's so difficult. People can't grasp how difficult it is to rewire your brain from within it.
Reply
:iconshedares:
SheDares Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2015  Professional General Artist
:huggle:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I don't have a personality disorder (that I'm aware of) but I have definitely been in the situation of putting myself out there for all of the people I care about to a point that ended up being unhealthy. In fact, I wrote a little bit about it a few years back: Dear Teen Me

Taking care of yourself can be ironically one of the hardest things to do. But it is important that you do it. If for no other reason than so that you can be there for others when they need you in the future. :heart:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
Nods. I get told that a lot. It's like when a bone breaks and fuses incorrectly. You can't help the way events affect how you grow. You just have to do the best you can to get by and fix what can be fixed.

And I'm trying. :tighthug: thanks
Reply
:iconthe-silent-stargazer:
The-Silent-Stargazer Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015  Student General Artist
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
Oh thank you! :blush:
Reply
:iconexarobibliologist:
exarobibliologist Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015  Professional Photographer
Wow... just Wow! :hug:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
:tighthug: oh thank you hon
Reply
:iconrjbg:
RJBG Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015
Great work!
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconphotosynthetichuman:
photosynthetichuman Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely and tragic. I love the how you almost end it powerfully with roots and landslides but let the reader breath and crash with the final line. If this ain't poetry, I don't know what is.
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
:blush: wow thank you so much!
Reply
:iconslenderblade:
slenderblade Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015
everything from Ophelia's death in Shakespeare's work to the music album Opheliac tie together here..

your words take root in my mind and I am wont to read and re-read this poem.

white, the color of thin, thin scars...


gardenias are beautiful...but for some reason here they sound frustrating.

you've got me thinking :3
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015
:love: Thank you sweetheart, I'm so glad <3
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:rose:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015
:giggle: Ironic. <333
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:D
Reply
:iconmercixnekoxdoll9:
mercixnekoxdoll9 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't find anything wrong with your writing so how dare you request critiques. Your writing is perfection and your use of different techniques is exquisite. I especially enjoy the sophisticated use of worss. I enjoy all of your writing and I will forever <3 Keep doing what you do and keep being you~ mercixnekoxdoll9
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015
:giggle: :blush: Gosh thank you, giggles. <3 You're too sweet!! 
Reply
:iconmercixnekoxdoll9:
mercixnekoxdoll9 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I spelled words wrong O.o haha but no problem ~ I love taking time out of my deviantart surfing to acknowledge the beauty in things <3 you deserve high praise for your work (:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2015
:giggle: You're so sweet :glomp:
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
You're a very selfless person, in a way. But I'm glad you understnad that we must also think about ourselves. Keep it up :)
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015
:tighthug: I'm working at it
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
That's good :huggle:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2015
:love:
Reply
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