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You say 'beautiful' like a mistake -
like it slipped out unwarranted
from those dark parts of your mind
that you don't want me to go to,
you say it like that.

You caress like it's worship -
like if you pressed too hard
or took too much, you'd pay the price
and I love those urgent times when
you're willing to pay it.

You teach me love like I'll die without it -
like if you don't defrost me
and my frozen image of myself,
then I might stop breathing
and extinguish beneath my own icy damnation.

You kiss me like you have to -
like we're sharing an oxygen tank
in a toxic, broken-down universe
and you are trying not to breathe
to save me.

You kiss me like that.
You love me, like that -
how am I supposed to resist
a man who loves me beyond his own sense
and senses - beyond love ?
With major thanks to the lovely JD, I asked her for three words to inspire something new cos I was having a block and she gave me 'teacher' 'beautiful' and 'caress' so I tried to write something nice. I have nice corners of my mind too, they are just messy and disorganised.


♥ Kathryn O'Driscoll © 2014

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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Hello. Michel-le-fou with a review. I found several features worth commenting. You may not have considered it, but I felt a "spoken language" form of expression, in that the diction is modern and simple. Now, the first aspect is that your 1st stanza began with an eye-grabber: "You say ;beautiful' like a mistake" That suggested that your subject did not intend to call you beautiful. "It slipped out unwarranted from those dark parts of your mind." He is a rather unusual sort.

Then he "caresses [you] like worship" Your following description is as charming as the one before. I am pleased that you kept this air to the poem till its end. Quite intriguing and rare among poems submitted.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconlheonce:
Hi!
It’s not the first time I drop a critique on one of your work, and even though I didn’t intend to write one, I found myself writing it anyway.

At first, I was a bit thrown out by the beginning of your poem. It almost seems like this “beautiful” shouldn’t have been said. Like the man saying it is actually lying.
However, the rest of your poem gives a new dimension to this first paragraph, but it obliges to read your poem twice to grasp every beautiful subtlety of it.

I loved the rhythm of your poem. It’s soft and musical, exactly one that fit with the atmosphere.
The second paragraph is really well-balanced. The first three verses are slow and describing, with a good use of commas, and suddenly, it rushes picturing exactly those “urgent times”

On the third paragraph, the last verse is really long, and it kind of throw off the rhythm.
But you make it up with the fourth who is striking with the use of a really well-fitting picture.

Finally, I liked the end, and the reference to the first paragraph, with “you kiss me like that” is well done.


Overall, your poem starts a bit off-balanced, as if you’re unsure of what you’re going to say. Then, you build up your courage, and finally, you show how much this man loves you.
It liked it, because I’m a real sucker for love stories (don’t repeat it, I have a reputation to keep), however, because I read other works of you, I know that you can do better, and you’re able to give a more durable impact.
Of course, don’t take it bad. It still stays a really good and refreshing poem!

- Ely’
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I personally thought this was a really well written poem to be honest with you - the way you've handled this poem as well as the description you've used and even the symbolic simplicity of the theme and presentation, makes it worthwhile and is enough to put a smile on a person's face. The themes are balanced with your narration, and their placement is well done. Overall, though, its nice - its a pretty poem... it was a really sweet read. well done :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it :tighthug:!!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:) :hug: stay blessed. Truly.
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:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I love it so much.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
YAY :D :D
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:iconkloe-oki:
kloe-oki Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014
whoa...o.o
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014
Thanks!
Reply
:iconelianoretta:
elianoretta Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014
very beautiful
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014
:tears: Thank you
Reply
:iconstormsandswallows:
StormsAndSwallows Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Student General Artist
Clap 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
:tighthug:
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:iconchristyroth:
Christyroth Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Student General Artist
Absolutely beautiful! I rarely comment but all your pieces are always so moving! 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
aww! Well thank you so much for taking the time to comment for me :tighthug:
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:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
Very sweet :)
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
:D Thanks hon
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:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
You're welcome :)
Reply
:icontickersymbol:
tickersymbol Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely love those closing 2 lines! Very nice piece generated with 3 words of inspiration! Well done! :)
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
:))) Aw thank you!
Reply
:icongosaku:
Gosaku Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
He loves with some sort of obligation, for some cosmic, moralistic reason. As I always must ask myself, am I right in saying this?
This reminds me of The Great Gatsby. A man who loves for the sake of the continuation of a being, ensuring his impossibility and the reality of an idea. He's been chosen by God Himself, how can he not do his duty? That's how I interpret it, at least. I must say that this self-dedication can become reality with perseverance. It must be brainwashing, I think.
As always, wonderful. I shan't say 'beautiful,' as to not mislead you. And I think that, from now on, you can just assume that I think your words are wonderful.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
:giggle: Thank you honey
Reply
:iconmadesunny:
MadeSunny Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
This was absolutely amazing! I really loved how this work of yours turned out :)
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
Aw! Thank you so much :D
Reply
:icondeaths-lament:
Deaths-Lament Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You. Yo got all that from three little words? Damn. Wish I could write like you did :heart: brilliant work :huggle: 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
:giggle: I love a challenge! One time someone on DA asked me to write about scissors.
Reply
:icondeaths-lament:
Deaths-Lament Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Haha that's crazy! Has there ever been a prompt that you couldn't write from? :) 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
Not that I remember but I have written some weird shit bloodshotink.deviantart.com/ar…
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:iconianabelleisak:
IanabelleIsaK Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
Wow brilliant!
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
:blush: Thank you!
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