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TRIGGER WARNING. ED

I was crying so hard that the tears were pooling in my ears as she held my chin back. My eyes and nose streamed and meant I choked for breath around each new handful. I'd like to say she was methodical, orderly. But she was not. She had a surgical tray of containers and ripped heartfuls out of them at random. Pressing her hand down over my mouth so that mashed potato filled it and I had to swallow it to breathe. I gagged and writhed under her hands. She'd hold me down until my mouth was clear enough for oxygen and then, as I inhaled and coughed on a potato trying to get into my lungs, she'd press down a handful of something else. 

It wasn't always like that. Sometimes she'd hold my nose and press my tongue down, tipping vodka directly over my tonsils. Sometimes she'd let me have little pauses to cry. Most of the time though she would go too fast, force too much into my small, convulsing throat, and I would vomit. My body rejecting her attack. It wasn't intentional but it would buy me a few seconds of freedom. She'd pause, with an impatient tapping on the linoleum, a handful of something sweet to get the taste of my stomach bile out of my mouth, she was considerate that way.

She would count back from ten and then push my head back into position as I begged for mercy. Choking, gagging, wretching, she forced her fingers into my mouth to make sure I swallowed.

The worst part was her enjoyment. She would laugh and hiss in my ear as puke mixed with pasta. "Stop eating" she'd hiss, and then she'd hold my nose again and mix coke and chocolate so that there was no way for air to reach my lungs without my non-compliance. She liked that game. She liked to tell me not to swallow, knowing that I would anyway. She liked it when I cried harder, when I tried to get away from her. She'd tell me I am repulsive, unlovable, disgusting, and I'd say "I know" but she'd put her hands over my face again. She didn't care that it hurt. She pushed and shoved until my body was so swollen with food that the pressure built up and cracked another hole in my heart. Then she'd give me a few hours to rest.

I might sleep, or if I was very good I could go outside as long as I didn't tell anyone about us. As long as I came back by curfew. As long as I kept my mouth shut. As long as no one knew I lived with her. As long as I didn't say her name out loud.

Copyright by MisDmeanor
Copyright © 2015. Kathryn O’Driscoll. All rights reserved.


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Binge Eating Disorder.

There..... I said it. :cries v.2 


Do you know her too?
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Daily Deviation

Given 2015-09-09
A Hostage to Her by BloodshotInk is a remarkable read. The vivid, even vicious use of personification to make an abstract idea like an eating disorder all too real is exhilarating to read. It will leave you unsettled, but hopefully with a better idea of what it feels like to suffer from mental illness. ( Suggested by LindArtz and Featured by LiliWrites )
:iconsmallandsilent:
Smallandsilent Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2016  Hobbyist Artist
I wish I had found this earlier. I had to make a work piece about Binge eating disorder and this would completely explain what that person feels from that disorder. You explained it so well. I can't expres enough how well you put it too words.
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:iconthakitsune:
thakitsune Featured By Owner Edited Oct 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You must be much stronger than you think to post this. It was expertly done, genius, even. I wish you the best in all things and I suggest keeping your beautiful writing as an outlet. You are an inspiration. 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
:blush: :tighthug: Thank you so much, wow. :love:
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:iconshining-scribe:
Shining-Scribe Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You have some of the best writing skills I've seen. Disorders are soooo difficult to talk about, but rather than simply do that you personify disorders in ways unlike anything I've ever seen. That was a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking read. I could feel the pain of it every second, it never went away even after the story ended. Most importantly, it left a lasting effect, something only the strongest of pieces can do. I know you've dealt with a lot of pain, but you need to know how amazing of an artist you are. Don't forget that. :tighthug:
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:iconjasonmasters:
JasonMasters Featured By Owner Edited Sep 25, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
A wonderfully expressive way of personifying an eating disorder, although it would have been better if the "reveal" had been part of the story instead of outside it.

Still a well written story and obviously a subject close to your heart.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
Thank you!
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:iconviridissance:
Viridissance Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I actually knew what this was about almost instantly. A year or two ago I read a book that made me more aware of things like this, though it was not quite as graphic since it was from the perspective of a teenager who was happy with themselves and what they did even if everyone around her felt otherwise. Her mother forced her to attend a support group for people with eating disorders and it's there that she meets someone from her own school, one of those legendary populars. She gets a taste of what it is she's been doing all of this for, and the story goes from there. I don't remember the other but it was a white silhouette on a pink book, and the title was Perfect.

Before that I had a teacher who told us of a student of hers who'd wanted to be a model and died from her anorexia.

Most recently I watch Red Band Society, which did a really intriguing portrayal from all sorts of point of views. I was especially drawn to how they showed no one else understanding in the slightest. People called her petty and that her issues reason for being in the hospital weren't real. She pretended to get better and forced herself to eat just enough in front of others just to make it stop. The last thing I saw before I was unable to find more episodes was her mother forcing her to stay at the dinner table and eat much more than she was capable of, especially without having actually worked through her issues, and for the first time in her life she made herself throw up.

I guess the point is that while I don't have an eating disorder myself, it's one of those things that I can easily connect to. If I ever met someone with such a problem, I'd try not to look down on them the way others seem to. Their problems are real and judgement can only make it worse. In any case, forgive my rambling, this was a lovely piece and definitely deserved the DD.
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:iconlollipop2618:
lollipop2618 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
This speaks words I could never say. It was so good I almost couldn't get through all of it.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
:blush: Thank you, I'm sorry it hurt :tighthug: 
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:iconlollipop2618:
lollipop2618 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
No don't be that just means it was amazing
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:iconimariposa:
iMariposa Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2015  Student Writer
Absolutely beautiful! At first I thought it was about being force fed . . . but then it is about that, isn't it?
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
Nods, in a way yes.
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:iconimariposa:
iMariposa Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2015  Student Writer
:love: 
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:iconhattersin:
Hattersin Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"Trigger warning"..
Jesus, grow up.
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:icontheflawedone:
TheFlawedOne Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Trigger warnings are for people in fragile situations. You're pretty rude.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
*rolls her eyes* I'm sorry that you don't find respect for people with PTSD and other related conditions mature. If you don't like it feel free not to read it. Think of trigger warnings as a trigger warning for trigger warnings. 
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:iconejeans7:
ejeans7 Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015   Writer
Oh my... :tears: Prayers and love, dear. :hug:
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
Thank you :rose:
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:iconejeans7:
ejeans7 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2015   Writer
:cuddle:
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:iconypplejax:
YppleJax Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Sad Hug Extended 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
:tighthug:
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:iconcoralconspiracies:
CoralConspiracies Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Wow...this took my breath away...and you not have written it any better...really. x
She is personified so remarkably.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
Thank you so much!! You're so kind :) 
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:iconredheadedbitch:
RedHeadedBitch Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015   Writer
Such an awful topic, yet your portrayal is astonishing. Your writing is magnificent!
I hope you're doing well.
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
Oh thank you :tighthug: that means so much to me <3
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:iconcinnamoncandy:
Cinnamoncandy Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your DD! :heart:
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015
:excited: Thank you!!
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:iconki-0:
Ki-0 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Student Artist
Wow, this is amazing.... Such a moving piece, you are very talented ^^
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:blush: Oh thank you!
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:iconki-0:
Ki-0 Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2015  Student Artist
:hugs: 
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015   Writer
Thank you for sharing this and shedding some light on a disorder that seems to usually stay in shadow. I don't think I've ever read something similar before. And this is definitely visceral and effective - she was considerate that way hits especially hard, in the context of the rest.

(Hope you're doing all right, also.)
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:tighthug: wow thank you! That means so much. I am glad people are connecting to it. I was very proud of it when I finished it (although its uncomfortable for me to read because it connects so deeply with how it feels for me).
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:iconmadamearadia:
MadameAradia Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Beautifully expressed and so sad, dear! :hugs: 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:tighthug: Thank you hon
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::faint::iconflyingheartsplz: Amazing work my dear!!! :iconlainloveplz: Congratulations on your very well deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconyaayplz::iconflyingheartsplz:
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:blush: Thanks honey!!
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::love::iconflyingheartsplz:
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:iconshadowworldred:
ShadowWorldRed Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
This is brilliant - such a powerful aha! moment that it truly rocked me. 

Every day we need a thing that also can hold us hostage, or impact our lives in other challenging ways. We cannot just push away from it, so we must conquer the demon. 

Thank you for sharing this, and I congratulate you on the DD! :heart: :hug:

- Red
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:blush: Thank you so much Red. :tighthug: It is really difficult... and I am so touched that LiliWrites chose to share this and spread the message
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:iconsrsmith:
SRSmith Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015   Writer
Congratulations on a well deserved DD! This is a heart wrenching and brutally honest insight into something I fear many people struggle with in silence. Thank you for sharing!
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:tears: Thank you hon. You know your praise always means a lot to me! :tighthug:
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:iconsrsmith:
SRSmith Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015   Writer
:heart:
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:iconarikarinkishika:
ArikaRinkishika Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015   Writer
Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap 
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:D thanks!
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:iconarikarinkishika:
ArikaRinkishika Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015   Writer
Love 
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:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yaaaaay! Congratulations on a job well done! :party: :clap:!!
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:love: thank you so so much hon
Reply
:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD hon, i'm very happy for you! :DALove: by Ikue
Have a nice day! :love: by CookiemagiK
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:iconpoetryod:
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
:D :D Thank you honey!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
  5 seconds hug by Bad-Blood
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May 26, 2015
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